One of the questions that I get asked the most when working with families, parents and teachers is ‘What should I do?’ Quite naturally, they want to know what they can do to help. Can they find a new strategy? Learn a new parenting technique?
There is a problem with this question though. It’s not always the best lens to use as we notice behaviours which are not working for our children or after a particular incident. The intention is there to help, but we need to go a bit deeper.
Finding things to do normally leads to sculpting and shaping behaviours that we want to see in our children. If it works, it will do on a superficial level. An example of this is might be noticing politeness in our children. You might see that your child did not say thank you or please and because we really want to see politeness in our children then we go straight to changing the behaviour. We might make them say it so they get used to it, we might reward them when they say it or we might give them consequences if we don’t. All these might lead to your child saying thank you, but the danger is that they will be saying it to look good. They will be saying it to please you or out of fear of a consequence. Either way, it’s superficial as they are just based on outcome.
The issue with this is that whenever someone does ask this question, it’s clear that they are not putting their energy into seeing the child. Because if they could see the child there would be no need for this question. In my experience, parents and teachers that are tuned into their children know very naturally and instinctively what to do to help them. The issue if it is not clear is that you cannot see them clearly. You need insight not something to do.
The messages we give our children about the world are very important. When you make a child say sorry for something it could give the message that it is more important what somebody thinks about you than it is that he actually has a sorry inside him to say. If you can put the focus on the spirit of her politeness over the form of it then she is going to start finding it herself more and more as she grows up.
If you find yourself asking this question and so many of us do with the best of intentions in the world. A better place to start in my experience is with shifting some energy into how you are seeing your child. And with this shift brings curiosity, compassion and non-judgement. Forget what you can do, think how can you be with your child and what are you seeing in him/her.
If you can see them and make sense of them in this light then you’ll know what to do.
Here is an example of how important it is to see someone:
If you see an aggressive child as being a mean child then you'll address the fact that he is mean and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as being frustrated then you'll address the fact that he is frustrated and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as not being socialised then you’ll address the fact that he is not socialised and that will have an impact on what you do.
If you see an aggressive child as being wounded then you'll address the fact that he is wounded and that will have an impact on what you do.
So I invite you to put your energy into seeing children when you notice you’re looking around for things to do or searching for something for help. If you can really see what is going on for them then you won’t need to think hard about the ‘what to dos’.
By Joe Atkinson
To find out more about my work with parents and families you can email me on hello@tickhub.co.uk
Sign up to my free 5-day Parenting course here: https://www.subscribepage.com/joeatkinson
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